Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
