I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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