So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
