If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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