The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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