dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
