i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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