Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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