New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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