I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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