just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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