yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ugly people sure do ruin things
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
