I wish life had little blips of pornography
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
