I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
