y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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