So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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