Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
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I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
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Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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