I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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