i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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