Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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