She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
