She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
