he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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