Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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