I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
