Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
