I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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