I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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