my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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