i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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