I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
