Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
