i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize