We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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