The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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