I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
