nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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