yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize