im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
