talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
