ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
