I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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