Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
