You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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