You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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