So drunk its hurt
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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