do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
