Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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