don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
