The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Are my feet made of real feet?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
