My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
