but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
