I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
